Do NRI Families Disintegrate With Distance?

“India is not my home any more. I only visit Nabadwip, my hometown (in West Bengal) to attend the Rash festival, not for religious reasons though,” says Arindam Haldar, a New Zealander of Indian origin, whose parents and siblings are settled in the UK.

For many PIOs like Arindam Haldar, who has a strong social life in New Zealand, India is the land where his forefathers once lived. Period. “I do not want to force my son to visit India, it’s his choice,” he adds.

Do families disintegrate with distance? Or does distance make our hearts grow fonder? More so perhaps in the case of Indian expats who live miles away from their loved ones?

With visits to India reducing to guest appearances and the high rate of absenteeism in family functions be it birthdays, weddings, funerals etc., the NRI earns the dubious title of the VIP, – ‘Virtually Invisible Person’ in the family. In no time, the adage out of sight, out of mind proves absolutely right in many cases.

The Non Resident Indian becomes an NRI in its truest sense. One who is – ‘Not Receiving Invitations’ – from extended family members and friends for any family event.

The ever-growing Indian diaspora today is a mix of individuals with a rare concoction of emotions brewing in them; love, empathy, sympathy and apathy towards their Motherland and the ones dwelling there.

Dr Veena Luthra, consultant psychiatrist at the American Center For Psychiatry and Neurology, Abu Dhabi, says she has personally experienced these pangs of separation for having lived abroad for the past 28 years. “With increasing globalization Indians are working in other countries in large numbers and the distance does cause separation from family members and the pain of loss is experienced not only by the expat but also the family members left behind,” she notes.

To begin with, life abroad is not easy, the honeymoon period, fizzles out in no time, reality soon bites, and for some it is a struggle from the very start. “Owing to language and cultural disparities many expats feel they do not belong and feel alienated,” observes Dr Luthra.  “For the non-working spouse, too, problems can arise. The expat’s family is also uprooted and the trailing spouse may be unemployed for some time and the loss of financial independence and identity with feelings of isolation can be troublesome. Frequently there is no work life balance. Some common mental health problems faced by expats in my practice include adjustment disorders, sleep problems, burn out, stress, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, addictions and marital problems,” she adds.

To overcome the initial feelings of being alienated, “the expat looks for people who are similar to him,” says Dr Vipul Rastogi, Consultant in Behavioural Neurology and Psychiatry, Medanta, Gurgaon, giving reasons for this phenomenon.

“The migrant may look for a person from his home town initially, if none is available then the same state, or the same country and if there’s no one then a neighboring country perhaps, because we still share something with our neighboring countries-some shared interests, similar food, language, etc.,” he says.

For the recently migrated Bhat couple, who moved to the UK a month back, Manasa and Guruprasad Bhat feel that internet and modern technology helps them connect virtually with their folks back home. “Being in touch with family members, friends and colleagues via Facebook, Whatsapp and Skype keeps my social life going, something which is hard to maintain in the new place,” admits Manasa.

“We try to ensure that our daughter Ishu remembers India by reminding her of her toys, grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and other people whom she was fond of back there in India.”

But according to Dr Vijay Nagaswami, noted writer and psychiatrist from Chennai, this is a transitory phase. In his opinion geographical distance has a peculiar dichotomous response when it comes to sustaining family relationships. “In the beginning, there’s usually a rebound in the strength of the bond, for the NRI in an attempt at ensuring that the bond remains alive and strong, tends to overvalue family and familial relationships, perhaps even tending to romanticize ‘Indian values’ and ‘Indian familial ties’ in an unfamiliar social environment,” he notes.

No doubt many of us go through this phase for sure. Calling folks back in India quite frequently, following religious practices intently, hunting for Indian restaurants, looking for an Indian who reciprocates your smile, and searching for Indian Sangha’s in the immediate vicinity. These are some of the immediate things I remember doing when we landed in Dubai. But now that zeal to feel Indian and think Indian has mellowed and the list of people “to be in touch with” is truncated.

C o n v e r s e l y, thanks to technology, the ease to connect has increased manifold. “Even my mom uses Whatsapp these days. Though she is not great with gadgets she knows enough to receive and reply to messages. I also call on my landline at home in Bombay, as my Internet company (Orcon) offers me a good deal. $NZ 13/month for unlimited landline calling to India, “ says Hamilton resident Anurag Chauhan. Having lived in New Zealand for more than a decade he has managed to be in touch with his extended family in Varanasi and immediate family in Mumbai. Something he could not imagine a decade back. Much to his surprise he finds people within India itself not calling their relatives. Ask him if distance matters? “No, not at all,” he says.

For 17-year-old Dubai resident Divij Duggal, with his extended family living both in UAE and in India, storing some important dates in his database is not a daunting task but a worthwhile one.

“I am very close to my cousins and relatives here and in India. We always call each other on birthdays, anniversaries etc. My cousin sister always sends me a raakhi and tikka on bhai duj and all the elders in my family try their best to keep us connected to our family back home,” he says earnestly.

Seeing his dad making a long distance call to his grandmother every Friday and his mother religiously taking gifts for everyone whenever she travels to India; has reinforced his belief in maintaining strong family ties. Needless to say, keeping the ties is a two way process, a funda that US resident Aishwarya Aithal strongly believes in. “When someone lives abroad, people think they are very proud and that’s why they don’t keep in touch. I feel relationships need to be nurtured on both sides of the ocean. Because we are abroad, only a few people voluntarily stay in touch with us, “ she laments. Nevertheless, she makes it a point to call one distant relative every month, honoring their request/command.

“Call maadta irru” (means “keep calling” in Kannada) is what all her relatives had to say when she last visited their houses in India. “But no one even pings us on Facebook after we get back home. They suddenly remember us when they need some electronic item from here,” she chides laughingly.

She does have relatives who actually remember birthdays and anniversaries, just like she remembers theirs. “Yes, real relations are important to me. My best friends are important to me. Everyone else, not so much,” she says emphatically.

According to Dr Nagaswmai, over a period of time, for many expats when acculturation to the new environment takes place, it’s not uncommon to see the bonds progressively weaken. Dr Luthra sees this assimilation of the new culture as important to fit in. “This leads to accepting the values, customs and lifestyles of the new culture that encourages autonomy, more focus on the self and one’s individual needs as against the Indian value of collectivism with more focus on family relationships and social harmony,” she says.

Consequently, for children who have lived abroad throughout, and that is the only home they have known “the chances of reintegration reduces further as priorities for parents change to children rather than themselves,” says Dr Rastogi.

However, families will get less disintegrated if there is a lot of to-and-fro visiting and time spent with the family. It establishes comfortable equations with the subcultural environment and both the NRI and the family find common ground to relate to each other as adults.

Murugappa Madhavan, Founder of the San Diego Indian American Society, has visited India nearly 50 times in the last 40 years abroad. As a Trustee of the Manickanachi Amman temple he makes it a point to attend the annual Chitra Festival in his hometown. His visits are an opportunity to meet many friends and the descendants of scores of families he knows.

It is something that keeps him closer to his roots and enables him to reminisce about all that he did in his ancestral home of 120 years. “When I am in India I can visualise the past as it happened in my ancestral home. Nothing is more pleasurable than this,” he insists.

Dr Luthra feels that it is important for migrants and their children to develop a bicultural identity, which helps them to navigate both worlds successfully. “To retain one’s original values and preserve some traditions in the home is important but one must also open minds and hearts to the new culture and gain from it,” she advises. The high rate of suicide rate among expat Indians in the Gulf talks volumes of the amount of stress and hopelessness that many go through, as they have no one to turn to for support.

“However, building new social supports to be resilient and staying psychologically healthy should top the list for any new migrant. We need to break the barriers of language and regional differences and consider ourselves Indian first,” she says.

Building and bridging relationships is a task that every expat undertakes for their own good. Nevertheless, the onus of maintaining a relationship as Aishwarya says rests with both parties, irrespective of their geographical location. To connect is a choice we have and many a time comes with a price tag too. “It is not distance, but the airfare costs that matter,” sums up Dubai resident Sharath Rao with a big smile.

It is not what distance does to us, but what we do with the distance, that matters after all.

Deepa Ballal is a freelance writer based in Dubai.